He Couldn’t Be Intimate With Me Because of His Undiagnosed ED
So How Can There Be Someone Else?
By Vanessa Cardenas | Relationship Reset Expert
Understanding the quiet complexity of betrayal, avoidance, and emotional distance.
She looked down as she spoke, fingers twisting the edge of her sleeve.
“We haven’t been physical in months,” she said softly. “He says he’s just tired. Or stressed. Or not in the mood.”
She paused.
“I’ve tried not to push. I assumed it was just age, hormones… something we’d work through. I even read up on ED. He has all the signs. I tried to be patient. I tried to be understanding.”
Then she looked up.
“But now I have proof there’s someone else. And I can’t stop asking myself…”
Her voice cracked.
“If intimacy isn’t possible with me, why does it seem possible with her?”
The pain in that question runs deep.
It’s not just about sex.
It’s about trust.
It’s about being told one version of reality while seeing another unfold right in front of you.
And it leaves many women asking the same thing:
Is it me?
Let’s pause right there.
Because what you’re feeling is real.
It’s confusing. It’s painful. And it’s valid.
Cheating isn’t always about penetration
There’s a common belief that if there’s no sex, there’s no betrayal.
But the truth is, cheating doesn’t begin or end with physical touch.
It can live in secrecy.
In messages.
In saved links.
In long glances or late-night chats that feel like escape.
It can happen in conversations charged with attention, desire, or secrecy, regardless of whether clothes ever come off.
For many of the women I work with, the betrayal isn't just about what did happen.
It’s about what was withheld: truth, openness, and the dignity of knowing what’s real.
When someone hides behind vague explanations for not being intimate, yet still manages to engage emotionally or sexually elsewhere, it doesn’t just feel like a contradiction.
It feels like rejection.
It feels like gaslighting.
It feels like the door was closed on you… But left wide open for someone else.
When avoidance masquerades as intimacy
What looks like desire in a new connection isn’t always about chemistry or passion.
Sometimes, it’s about cloaked control.
Sometimes, it’s about avoiding the vulnerability that long-term intimacy demands.
For men struggling with sexual performance, especially when tied to shame, aging, or identity, being with a partner who knows them deeply can feel threatening.
They might worry about disappointing you. About being truly seen.
So instead of facing that fear, they shift toward someone new.
Not because she’s better.
Not even because the performance is stronger.
But because she doesn’t know what’s missing yet.
There’s no history to compare it to.
No emotional layering.
No conversations about what it used to be or what it could be again.
And for someone who feels fragile inside their own body, that blank slate can feel easier than showing up in the discomfort of truth.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about truth.
When a partner pulls away sexually but seeks connection elsewhere, it’s easy to turn that pain inward.
What did I miss?
What could I have done differently?
Why wasn’t I enough?
Let me be crystal clear: Betrayal wrapped in silence or secrecy isn’t about your value.
It’s about avoidance.
It’s about a partner who may not know how to face his own shame, fears, or changing sense of identity.
So instead of bringing those fears to you, he hides them, often behind someone who won’t ask the hard questions.
That doesn’t make it your fault.
And it doesn’t mean you imagined the disconnect.
It means your body, your instincts, and your confusion have been trying to tell you something important.
And now, maybe, you’re finally ready to listen.
Not just to what’s been missing.
But to what you deserve moving forward.
The bigger picture
In my work, I’ve seen betrayal show up not just as desire but as an exit strategy, whether conscious or not.
It doesn’t make the hurt any less real.
But it does reframe the story.
Sometimes, it’s not about finding someone better.
It’s about avoiding discomfort.
About choosing surface over depth.
About keeping things light where vulnerability feels heavy.
In that avoidance, the damage runs deep.
Not because someone wanted to cause pain—
But because they didn’t know how to face their own.
If this is you
You’re not weak for still loving him.
You’re not naive for feeling confused.
You’re not asking too much by wanting the truth.
You deserve a relationship where the hard things aren’t hidden.
Where emotional safety exists alongside desire.
Where honesty is the foundation, not the afterthought.
And if something feels missing, it’s not only okay to name it.
It’s necessary.
Clarity doesn’t always come with comfort.
But it always opens the door to healing.
Vanessa Cardenas
Relationship Reset Expert | Still Married After Betrayal
www.understandingear.com
P.S. This work I do?
It’s not about fixing people.
It’s about helping people who’ve held it all together finally stop outsourcing their peace and reset their relationships from the inside out.
The Reset Is Simple. But It Isn’t Easy.
It starts by asking for guidance.
Curious what this work actually looks like?
Read the Relationship Reset Manifesto
Or start here with one honest, grounded conversation with me.